As everyone may already know, my birthday is practically coming up in just a couple of days, but I've been dealing with some negative feelings about myself just recently. A couple of friends of mine were able to post a couple of pictures as early birthday gifts for me recently, which was very nice and thoughtful of them, but I ended up commenting them in a way that some people have considered my comments to be considered to be kind or rude, even though I would never try to sound rude in any way. One such picture is this one that was done by Gabrielianthenook
After being able to check it out recently, I didn't exactly know how to react because it was a picture involving characters from "Undertale", a PC game that has become quite popular for some time, but I've never being able to play the game myself, so I was completely unfamiliar with characters for that reason. When I commented about hoping for something that would be a little more suitable to my taste (again, without even trying to sound rude in any way), everyone else who was able check the picture out suddenly got onto me by calling me ungrateful and/or picky. If there's one thing that I cannot stand at all, it's being called ungrateful because that's unnecessarily hurtful and untrue; Believe me, I was
trying to sound ungrateful, I would have threated him by saying something like "I hate this picture! Either you make a new picture for me, or I'll do something bad like kill you!" Well, guess what? I didn't even say anything like to him at all! Besides, it's not a bad picture in any way (especially since it's a picture featuring my fursona), and I should really tell him that I appreciate him being able to draw something in time for my birthday nonetheless, which has now made me feel like the kind of bad person that I never wanted to be in the first place.
I guess the reason that some people have seen me as being rude is because of how stubborn I tend to be whenever nothing goes exactly as I had hoped, which always tends to put me in a moody state until start to feel better about myself again. I may have mentioned this to everyone quite a few times, but I have a mild case of autism that makes it kind of hard to socialize with everyone, and it also affects my life by always having to rely on a routine every single day, making it really hard for me to accept change unless I'm already prepared for it or I'm the one who does the changes myself; This sort of thing also tends to affect how I behave whenever I receive a certain type of gift that I was expecting from somebody, only to find out that it was something else that I never really expected to receive, and I end up saying something stupid yet optimistic in which everyone thinks I'm trying to sound rude (but I'm not
). It's moments like that which make it rather difficult for anyone else to truly understand how I'm trying to feel without even breaking everyone's feelings, and I just wish that everything would just turn out perfectly all the time without me having to feel this way every once in a while. I know it may be completely unnecessary for me to behave like a kid, but some things just never change on the inside for a guy of my condition, and I've already been through enough trouble just trying to act so "mature" while also just being myself in the process. If everyone is going to think of me as being the kind of guy who doesn't always appreciate everything, then I might not have any choice but to kill myself if that's how it's gonna be....unless everyone else can prove that I really am a good person who has so much to live for, and I won't have to feel so unhappy about my own confusing life.
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